To be honest, I’ve never dated anyone in my whole life and this fact makes me upset sometimes. Truly, I don’t care if I don’t have a boyfriend in the moment and I don’t want to force myself dating someone. But you know everyone in the world talks about love or love life and most of the times, I couldn’t get in that conversations. When i meet ppl and asked about my love life, mostly i try to answer honestly that I’ve never dated anyone but most ppl reacts like How come? Or Why could you live without being in love with someone or being asked to date? Things like that. I take those reactions as rude sometimes. I felt before that my self confidence is attacked. I kept asking myself why can’t I love someone in a lover position and why i didn’t have a chance to date someone. Most of the times my answer was because I am not attractive enough. This fact made me sad and now that I know,I was hurting myself.
However as LGBT trends came up,I came to think that maybe I’m asexual or nonsexual. This theory came up only a few weeks ago so I’m still in the stage of figuring it out but surprisingly, considering myself might be asexual or nonsexual made me relieved and satisfied. I dont feel the anxiety anymore by admitting I haven’t been in a relationship before. This was a great discovery for me. Maybe I’m not those sexualities. Maybe I meet someone in the future and be in a relationship, but that doesn’t care so far as long as I’m satisfied by thinking maybe I have those sexualities.
But the problem is, I don’t feel like opening up about my theory to most of my friends or family. My parents think that I haven’t been in a relationship because I haven’t met Mr. Right in my life before but I don’t think so. I have met many ppl earlier in my life and there were some ppl I really respected and admired, but now that I know, I wasn’t seeing them in a lover way. Most of the ppl around me thinks that it’s a nature that ppl love someone and if you love someone, you have to date the person. I haven’t confirmed with everyone but I think most of the ppl think that way. So, I don’t know how they’ll react or think if I open up my theory. Maybe some will say it’s because i haven’t met my mr. right yet. But I feel that discussion would be meaningless or unproductive.
Usually I love to make new friends regardless of men or women. When I meet a man who I want to become friends and when I get on well with them, I get anxious wondering that do they think I’m having a crush on them? This makes me really nervous and exhausted sometimes. I don’t want to be thought that way.